FOUND by Joe Briggs in a dormitory on the campus of the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh, Oshkosh, Wisconsin
When I was in college, I used to clean dorm rooms in the summer to make ends meet. Other student workers and I would wake up much earlier than we were accustomed to and dread that first week of the summer. We would enter rooms, black garbage bags in hand, and encounter freezers with exploded Colt 45′s and used condoms glued to mattresses. But, sometimes what we found would stop us in our tracks. I found this note attached to a bouquet of flowers that was in the garbage. I wanted to take the bouquet and the note, but I don’t think our boss would’ve liked that. I met my wife while working this job and our inside joke, whenever we have a fight, is for me to end the tiff by saying, “I’m sorry I called you high maintenance.”
I moved into a new apartment in Baltimore and started drinking early with some friends to celebrate. Needless to say, I forgot I parked my car in a small alleyway to move my things in through the backdoor. I woke up the next morning with this note on my car, which has a Pennsylvania license tag, and realized that the trash men indeed could not possibly get through, but rather laid on the horn for an hour or so.
I found this in my driveway one morning. At first I was really alarmed, and paranoid because I thought it was really aimed at me, but when I calmed down I realized it didn’t make sense: I am not a Generic Asshole. And I have my own parking space. I liked it because I have often wanted to write a note such as this and now I don’t have to. I’m going to copies and leave on windshields when needed.
It was during a horrific snow storm and I ran out of gas on the way to one of two gas stations open at the time. Luckily I was able to turn left onto a street going downhill and I parked my car in front of an apartment building and coincidentally, in front of a fire hydrant. My friend went to go pick up my car later and found this attached to my windshield. I guess we can assume it was to me, but funny all the same.
I saw this piece of paper on the street, at the intersection of Bivins & James Streets. It was early Sunday morning and I was walking the dog and picking up trash. I picked it up. The poem is written on the back of a portion of the wine list from some restaurant.