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February 05, 2009 |
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Animal Attributes
FOUND by Lance Rowley
in Salt Lake City, UT
I found this on a table in my work's cafeteria. It was written on a napkin, and I thought that it was just hilarious, especially because it is all about someone named Lance, and that is my name, too.
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
Wow! first comment. this made me chuckle at the end of a loooong workday :)
"Stripes of a striped animal"
Guess they couldn't think of tiger or zebra.
this creature intrigues me... i wonder if i can find it at my local zoo or my local high school?
Sounds like a virtual Animal Planet special in your bed..I have to say I am a little jealous.
Not to mention (see picture):
"Goatee of a raccoon with a goatee"
My favorite is "Stripes of a striped animal"!
I wonder what that looks like when a polar bear shoots ice. How? From his eyes? Does he throw them with his enormous paws? Maybe he has the ability to poop out ice at rapid speeds.
And since when does eyesight determine speed?
And I'd like to add that this is the first time I've ever seen the word "waterproofness".
And one more thing: just how is a seal waterproof? They get wet just like every other animal that goes for a swim.
falls down like a camel? I didn't realise camels had falling super powers ... i really gotta watch more animal planet.
"SuperLance - there's a hundred people on the express train thundering toward the gap in the broken bridge at a thousand miles an hour! Do something!"
"Thank you, I can already see that" Roars SuperLance, "I sense that should they fall in the river, I could swim alongside the engine sideways and the driver would think my stripes were tracks and steer to the bank"
"But why don't you bound onto the bridge and stop it intead of bunny-hopping around down here? NOW what are you doing?"
(SuperLance falls down like a camel)"Your insults bounce off my ultra thick hide.Wanna get shot with ice? No? well, just quit with the insults." (Thinks "Good job I have the waterproofness of a seal else my mascara'd be running into my stripes here")
Sound of train falling over bridge. "Oh well,back to the cafeteria, I guess, to become Lance again...until night falls and I stripily prowl thses streets in search of crime!"
Looks like two items were left off:
-Head of a pig
-Ass of a jack
"eye sight of a fast animal"
that would be awesome.
but not as good as the hearing of animal with big teeth.
or the strength of an animal with a long tail.
Stripes of a striped animal? How about a zebra?
He's also hung like a horse. I assume. I actually don't know this creature.
Shouldn't that be "humps like a camel"?
Climes mountain roads with alarming speed
Time trials like the wind
Evades drug tests like a 7 time tour winner
How do you know it's not YOU, Lance?
The writer got lazy after 'ox' and gave up trying to think of actual animals. Unlike Lance, who has the mental stamina of a mentally stamina-filled animal.
Oh goody- another Find about Furries.
So Lance, do you also have a chin-strap goatee and unibrow like the Lance depicted in the illustration?
..how about
flies like a butterfly,
stings like a bee.
?
I dated a guy named Lance, and he humped more like a bunny...
Oh, Lance.
You're cute, and a bit slow, aren't you?
There can't be that many people named Lance at your job.
I think they're talking about you, sweetheart.
Kermit, you stole my line.... (actually, you said it so much more eloquently than i did.)
Super Lance also eats folded paper secret notes like a DEER.
..."Float like a butterfly..."
there are no Lance's where i work.
"Falls down like a camel."
That is no laughing matter. Had a buddy of mine take a falling camel to the back of the head once...he wasn't the same after that.
Lance I'm coming for you dude.
Is this about Lance Pants? I had a feeling about that guy...
This find reminds of a book I had when I was a kid called "I Wish That I Had Duck Feet"
I've got the waterproofness of Spongebob Squarepants.
Kermit is so right... Poor Lance Rowley has no idea its about him! They probably even purposely left it out for him to find.
My real question is, why would you be doing this during your lunch break at work? Seems like someone you'd do with your child.
The drawing makes me think of Ernie from Sesame Street in a cat costume.
Librarian, your comment made me crack up...I am reading this during my teacher prep time..hee hee...
@ Brain Problem: I, too, once dated a dude (his name wasn't Lance though) who humped like a bunny. In fact, he was well-known in the community for this peculiar animal attribute.
For all our city friends out there who've never witnessed rabbit breeding, it's near the top of my list of a dozen of the funniest things I've ever seen. The little squeal that comes at the end...priceless!
This reminds me of one those quizzes that we used to give each other in junior high where the answers are supposed to apply to different attributes about the quiz taker.
Could it be that Lance just answers questions poorly?
Wow, Encased.. you must have a ..(*ahem) close family. I can't think of ANYONE I'd do with my kid.
dumb as an ox.
Stubborn as a mule.
Blind as a bat.
Thick as a brick.
Tight as Uncle Scrooge's purse strings.
Drunk as a skunk.
F*ed up as a billy goat.
Tall as, like, a really, really tall animal, ya know?
@ Sammy Davis Jr. Junior ... I'm hoping you got that teacher prepped anyway, despite your having cracked up.
I once dated a guy who was hung like a bunny.
I'm mad, like a cow.
Moo.
Ahhh yes..
the ever keen-eyed, stalking,
"Striped Libunbipolarcamoxltightsealapus"...
a true rarity!
just watch out though- I heard he has ghonnosyphiherpelitis.
It's she and they only get that when you cross them with a bicunilingual licalottapus...
@ Hiplainsdrifter ... plus, that's so much easier to say than "Liger"!
(and not to be confused with a tigon)
I like Napoleon's drawing for Trish better - but just in case anyone asks..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liger
That's one of the best typos I've ever made. I think I shall frame it. :)
This thread is much more funny after a few glasses of wine...
Stripes of a striped animal!!
Waterproofness of a seal seems like a pretty right-on quality.
@Terrie-Is-So-Very in totally-unique-ville, this is not about me. If it were, it would have read "Horns of a horny animal."
Thanks for feeling me just the same...
Seems that someone thinks that Lance is an animal?
"leaps like a bunny", he must have been in a hurry...bunnies hop...not that thrilling i suppose
"Shoots ice like a Polar Bear"?
That's my favorite, too. Maybe it's Mormonese for "shits ice like a polar bear."
ice is slang for crystal meth...maybe he shoots up crystal meth?? it makes sense