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December 09, 2008 |
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New Unauthorized Oprah Biography
FOUND by Nessa
in Morgantown, West Virginia
Found this in a mall parking lot. I think it's pretty funny. :) I'm curious as to what will happen next.
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Memory Problems? July 22, 2008 |
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Donovan May 12, 2008 |
Busted! May 25, 2007 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
a vile morning for steve, first being reduced to a bloody pulp on the sidewalk by an inexplicable explosion, then awakening in hell, just to recieve a beating from oprah winfrey... being assraped by 92 monkeys would be one of the few things to follow that might make it even worse ^^
Yeah, Oprah's got the po po on her ass.
She's also got a phone booth, a turkey, two tubas, and a carousel up on there.
(It's big.)
I wonder what O did to get the po po on her ass? smuggling 50 pounds of crack?
Waaay back in the 40's or so there was a polka-band song called "Pat Him on the Po-poh, Let's Hear Him Laugh." This looks like Do-po, though, whatever that is.
Ohhh geez, I just realised I admitted to listening to polka bands (blushes into a decline)...
How can you "wake up" after your blood and guts splatter the ground? I'm with Child, Steve must be in hell.
Looks like a satire of one of those "newspaper articles" we had to write in highschool.
Spelling is good. Grammar is good. Oprah certainly would be a "large form". The author even changed the height from which Steve fell so as to make his survival believable.
All in all, this story is full of awesomeness. I want to know more about Steve and how he's going to defeat Oprah.
wow, Steve is pretty darn tough, he gets his blood and guts splattered all over the ground and all it does is knock him out.
I hope Steve can defeat Oprah, none of us are safe with her on the loose.
There is no defeating the Oprah. none.
@Farmer; even if it's Chuck Norris fighting her?
Yeah bitches!!! ... I'm coming straight out da muthaphuckin coal mines a West Virginny - and I'm getting all creative on your asses - writing all up in you faces about some place named Compton, an blowin up, and that lady on the TV Oprah and the po po... Booyah Boooyyyy!
<<Damn... anotha one a my dang teef just falled out...>>
I love the asterisks in the expression "Mutha F***ing ass".
That, and that this sounds like a hiplainsdrifter story written to explain a Robert Keim photo on the Found Magazine site.
I love that the author changed the number of feet that Steve flew into the air. 50 seemed a little over the top, but 40 I can buy.
Oprah's gonna come beat yall's ass for talking about her large form and ass crack.
You can bet your mutha f***ing a** that Gayle was not far behind.
Who's ass can you beat with your blood and guts splattered all over the ground?
I was ready to type a comment, then I read Kermit's post and lost it. I have tears streaming down my face...
(oh my...)
Were those Steve's blood and guts that were splattered, or another poor soul we weren't introduced to (like, Steve's dog)?
Despite my username, I have no curiosity at all about what happens next. I'm bugged by Oprah speaking 'hood-speak, but not enough to really care.
I *am* curious how someone launched 0 feet can splat.
Forget the Po po. Next he will unleash the fiery force of his fleet (herd? flock?) of Winged Monkeys on her ample ass.
This kind of reminds me of something the Shooters in the Hall might have posted. Remember? (well, except the Shooters' writing style was far superior.. and somehow more believable.)
Looks to me like the launch height was actually changed to 20 feet.
Oprah is going through another 'fat' phase
and is very upset about it. She decides to
see a psychologist to try to get to the
bottom of it. They talk for a while, then
he asks her to undress and get down on all
fours. 'A bit puzzled but keen to succeed,
she does it. Now crawl over to the wall"
says the psychologist. "now the other side",
"and now the third side".
Good, now you can get dressed"
Oprah asks, " Will this excercise really help
me lose weight?" He replies" That? Oh no, no,
I was just thinking of getting a new sofa and wanted to get an idea of how it would look..."
One day Steve Austin . . .
I have a feeling that that Steve whose last name was blanked out is really a celeb of some sort that the blanker just didn't recognize...
Steve Jobs?
Steve Irwin?
Steve Earle?
Steve Ballmer?
I too was confus' about the whole being-launched-blood-splattering-waking-up thing. But due to my sheltered Atheist upbringing, the idea of hell didn't even cross my mind. I just assumed that it must be someone /else's/ blood...(ominous bum bum bum)
Wait, wait, guys... We're assuming it was Steve's blood and guts that were splattered on the ground.
But what if wasn't??
What if he landed on someone (something?) and, as the only black person out of the two people on the scene, Oprah is taking the rap for it??
Microscopic Steve < > the lived in an enormous pimple on Oprah's chin.
He referred to this home as his little Compton away from Compton. He made
his living being a snitch on Oprah to the Compton police, paparazzi, Illuminati,
Scientology and, of course, Stedman. Everything was OKAY until the word go on
the street then....
[Insert Found content]
Then Oprah wiped off the mirror. The End.
If Steve and Oprah hadn't been running that Meth lab together in Compton, the explosion would have never happened. Oprah needs to just fess up and admit her involvement.
Steve is on angry mutha-killing lobster.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
My favorite part:
"The form was that of Oprah Winfrey."
But of course, the form is quite naturally that of Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah and her po po (which sounds like a dirty bit of human anatomy but--thanks to the fine folks at urbandictionary.com--I now know to mean "police.")
Beautiful.
anybody remember that Dave Chappelle/Oprah conspiracy/hoax from a few years back? maybe it wasn't a hoax after all!
Alright, y'all gettting chalk all over your shoes from stepping across that line, remember a couple of years ago when Oprah took on the whole beef industry? Well what's Foundmagazine to her then? She's coming after us next if we don't reign in, and speaking of Dave Chappelle, look what happened to him. Case. In. Point. Watch yourself, Big O will do it for you if you won't.
(*some of the funniest comments in a long time, kids, thanks. I needed that today. Carry on.*)
Y'all better watch out. Oprah will dispatch her minions (Dr Phil & Gayle) to smite you! Then she'll have Maya Angelou write a poem commemorating the event.
Hey Mom, don't forget Rachel Ray...
Thank you, Mary, for the definition of the word po-po. I was too embarrassed to ask and was waiting for someone else to ask it, but no one did. I'm so naive.
Now I will have dreams of a hovering crazed Ohrah.
@ hiplainsdrifter ... "another fat stage" is it! Our evening newspaper here where I live (wherever that is) has a little celebrity news column in which there's a piece about Oprah now tipping the scales at around 200 pounds and being very angry at herself for having eaten so much.
I think Steve had better watch out he doesn't get eaten, too!
Maybe Oprah is mad cause her "va-jay-jay is painin'." Or, perhaps Steve is one of the "9000 penises" that are raping children.
It's Steve from Blues Clues. That's why he had to go away, and Joe came to take over.
This find today and the posts have been the funniest in a long time. Good times, guys! I am laughing my big-Oprah-size ass off!
Chromie, I remember Shooters. I loved the stories.
@ Librarian...
"Wherever that is" is a bit of an invitation to speculate.
"Evening" paper is a bit of a give-away. Not too many cities have evening papers. Past posts have led me to guess Grate lakes region, so I'm gonna guess... Buffalo?
This is a fun game.
This is so cray cray.
Oprah: Say "what" again.
Steve: ...What?!
Oprah: Say. What. Again.