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October 24, 2008 |
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An Apple a Day
FOUND by metta
in Asheville, North Carolina
I found this in a book in the health and fitness section of a second-hand store. On the back are the patient's notes about which vitamins and laxatives to take each day.
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
funny, no mention of apples...
he may not live longer, but it will certainly seem longer.
One more thing: The safest thing to do is refrigerate your leftovers.
http://www.foundmagazine.com/find/3980
How to be boring.
While this note has useful information, we need to complete the list. I'll start us off:
Running with scissors: -10 months
don't forget your seatbelt!
that is vital!
Yeah, yeah, I know. An apple each day keeps Windows away.
If you live up to all of that advice you may live longer, but life would be so dull and boring ^^
Oh, and my additional rule to complete the list:
Don't forget to breathe.
According to this, I should have died 5 years ago.
I love the bit about smoke alarms and seatbelts. I'm definately taking notes on this one.
28x15? yr joking? I gotta get the calculator. its 420. I will make a note of that too.
Thou shalt not worship false pop-idols...
I've heard lost prophets are trouble too.
Gotta love the US preoccupation with health...all those books, all those DVDS, all those apparatus, and all those obese people. Maybe it's because of the contradictory advice. Some say "three square meals and no snacks" while others say "five small meals a day." Some propound the healthy aspects of dairy products for weight loss while others decry them saying they "create mucus." Some go for low carb, high protien, while for others, no no no, it's the other way around. Every month there's a new "wonder food" that's going to solve all your problems and cure all your ills, and a new "deadly poison" you should never even look at, let alone eat. For some, butter is a natural healthy source of calcium and vitamins, while margerine is almost made of plastic. For others, butter is dangerous artery-clogging goo and margarine is natural and healthy.
I give up.
And btw, if you are eating and living healthy, you shouldn't Need laxatives every day. Occasionally, perhaps, but not every day.
And don't forget those 8 big glasses of water!! A friend of mine once said that this particular piece of advice MUST be untrue, since all doctors agree on it--and never agree on anything else.
Snopes http://www.snopes.com/medical/myths/8glasses.asp
We don't need 8 glasses of water a day.
But I do start my day with oatmeal. Not I think it actually lowers my cholesteral, but it keeps my belly full until lunch.
Would the patient's notes on the other side of this printed Find have been mroe interesting?
I ask you, Librarian, how could they have been less?
I going back to bed.
It's ensure, not insure.
As Denis Leary once said, "Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper f****ng years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em."
Ensure that you're insured before getting injured.
And it looks like everything in the Find is spelled and punctuated correctly (unlike in my previous comment).
Yikes! I've only got eighteen years to finish the Great American Novel!
Flossing.
Very important
Wasn't Metta in Asheville, NC a "regular" Found commenter at one time? I haven't seen the name around in a while...
if you're still here, Metta, Woo Hoo and Congrats to You for having a Find of the Day posted!! (and if you're not still here, c'mon back!)
"drink alcohol only in moderation" reminds me of that Slim Dusty drinking song..
I love to have a beer with Duncan
I love to have a beer with Dunc.
We drink in moderation
and we never never ever get rolling drunk.
We drink at the Town & Country
Where the atmostphere is great.
Oh, I love to have a beer with Duncan
cuz Duncan's me mate!
Dear Family Medicine Associates,
Go fuck yourselves.
Turbo
librarian, did you read my reply to your comment yesterday?
I think i'm already dead, according to this
Geek is right. We need to catalog our vices and virtues and calculate our departure time so we can plan how to run up debts for pleasure seeking then expire with a smile. So here are some of mine:
Clean underwear every day: +1.2 years
Paring toenails with teeth: -6 months
Hitchhiking alone at night on the freeway: -2.6 years
Owning Weird Al CD "Running With Scissors": +8 months
Downside to project: Too much Math.
Use sun screen, wear a rubber, and NEVER swim within an hour after eating. (Cumulative life savings: 7 months, tops.)
Ensure that you're insured before getting injured, so you can rest assured.
According to the American Condiment and Sauce Board, we are supposed to consume 8 glasses of GRAVY per day. Sigh...Who is a girl supposed to trust? A bunch of hyperhydrated doctors or the ACSB?
@mlm: Mmmmm . . . gravy.
@ mona lisa ... no, I hadn't read your last reply yesterday (have now). What I had meant earlier was that I was aware of the 2 official languages, but that _I_ wasn't aware of Ontario's frenchiness.
I've a friend from northern Vermont, which is a fairly frenchified [NOT French fried] area of our fair land. She learned her English in elementary school, though.
And let's see whether I can tie this into today's find. Oh yeah:
avoiding deep fat fried potatoes (life saving factor depends on what it was fried in, which diet book you most recently read, and whether or not you subtract the relaxing enjoyment factor from the fear-inducing artery-clogging factors)
@MLM correction- It is 8 Glasses of Gravy per day but as a high colonic not orally.
I realized I'm in a negative number situation today as I just went on Big Mac and Old Crow 7&7 binge - driving around at high speeds (without a seatbelt) all night smoking cigars -and forgot all about breaksfast... and now I'm just laying around in bed, typing on Found, smoking and eating birthday cake. ...and I'm getting drowsy... hmmm maybe later I should get some batteries for the smoke detectors... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz....
a breakdown of the other 52% of maortality in the united states according to the cdc:
9% careless/reckless behavior
9% pure, unadulerated stupidity
8% murder most foul
7% reality televison
7% lightning
6% murder not quite so foul
3% squirrels
2% literally laughing to death
1.5297% mathmatical errors
Don't lick electrical fences.
@Kwyncee--I KNEW squirrels had to figure in there somewhere! Little bastards.
@Hiplainsdrifter--I'm not so sure it matters what hole it goes into, as long as it gets in there somehow. I'm sure some people have taken to intravenous gravy procurement. (Not the white gravy, though. It clogs the needle.)
@Joh(n)--I think Dr. H. Simpson is the founding father of the ACSB. You've gone and memorized their motto!
Kwyncee's comment reminded me of this comic:
http://xkcd.com/369/
I *thought* I recognized metta's name! Since it can take years for a find to appear here, she probably started checking and commenting just after she submitted it, but has since given up. Hope she sees it!
Well I'm fucked.
I want to know what happens if you only follow 1 of the rules. Will you still get an additional 22 years? If you take this information literally, then yes! Not a bad deal. It doesn't specifically state what happens if you follow none of the rules, unless "three or fewer" falls into that category, in which case that's a pretty good deal too.
@Danielle in SD, weird, I was thinking the same exact, thing, and we are both Danielle! How cool.
It's just funny how they include not to forget your seatbelt in a note all about health issues, I lol'ed.
The problem with Americans being so obese (supposedly) is how much they worry about being obese. That and the fact that 99% of the people I know from America could never find the time to spend more than 30 minutes a week working out, exercising, or just going outside. But they did find the time to spend 30 minutes a day going to a McDonalds. Which they have everywhere else, but the portions are not quite the same. . .
That and some Europeans I know, smoke about ten packs a day... really keeps the weight down. ;)
And I would have spent more time complaining about the BMI scale being a complete load of sh*t, but I hope we all already know that.
My last complaint (I'm American, btw) is that Americans tend to be so lazy that they would rather spend hundred of dollars on a worthless "miracle weightloss food/drug//supplement/plan/drink/etc" instead of just walking more.
Ok... sorry, one last thing... having sex 3 to 4 times a week for a year is the equivalent of running 75 miles... C'MON AMERICANS... Let's show those Europeans that we've still got it!!!!
Wait! Would that mean that the Center for Disease Control has also found that 52% of U.S. mortality is due to HEALTHY behavior and lifestyle?
The implications are staggering. (as was Boo's momma)
@Used to Live in -- 75 miles, eh? Does that include just laying there? That would be an interesting study to participate in.
Side note about seatbelts: a friend of mine was seriously injured in a car accident (when he was in high school). The driver of the vechicle had 'fallen asleep at the wheel' (not sure what actually happened) and rolled into a ravine, the car tumbled several times. My friend broke was paralyzed from the chest down, but the cops said that if he *had* been wearing his seatbelt, he would have been choked to death or decapitated by it. I don't know why the cops felt the need to tell him that.
Just thought I would share, as sad of a story as that was.
*But* this was decades ago (maybe seatbelts have changed since then) (oops, did i accidentally age myself?!!) and also an exception-to-the-rules type of story.
***So kids, always follow the rules***
Correction= it was supposed to say "my friend was paralyzed"
not "my friend broke was paralyzed"
Sorry, I was distracted. I need to stop reading other people's comments while typing.
At 1:30 this morning, I couldn't think of a single thing to say about this Find. Now that the comments have piled up, it's much more interesting.
Baby Basil...YES!
Turbo...YES!
Used to live...YES!
I smoke 5-6 cigarettes a day (occasionally more), I drink one beer a day (occasionally more), I eat lots of fruits, vegetables and whole grains, and I walk for about 15-20 minutes 3 times a week. I think I pretty much break even.
There are always stories of people who would have been killed if they were wearing their seat belt. These people also usually know someone who got deathly ill only after they quit smoking, and people who drop dead doing marathons.
oh, and thank you librarian, for your reply.
@Mona, I still wear my seatbelt everywhere. I was in a car accident as well and was not injured *because of* my seatbelt (aside from the bruises from the seatbelt). So it's always a catch 22.
Just the like the supposed story of a pro wrestler who's diet was very strict for months of training, dropped dead after the match because he went out for pizza (which was normally not on his diet). Don't know if I believe that one.
But again I will say, why in the world would the cops/doctors feel the need to say something like that to a recently paralyzed young kid?! "Hey guess what.. You will never walk again.. but hey, at least you aren't dead and decapitated!" Wow, thanks for the great news!
There has to be some kind of agenda behind that. Or maybe an effort to cheer him up?
But Mona, I don't know anyone else who has had the fates you listed above. Usually if someone becomes deathly ill after they quit smoking it probably has something to do with the lifelong smoking, just a guess.
I was in a car accident, I was not wearing a seat belt, only by some miracle, I was not thrown from the car--I was not even hurt. I always, always wear my seat belt now. I figure that was my "get out of jail free card" and I shouldn't push my luck. However, I don't always eat three meals a day, I usually eat when I'm hungry, so, I might be screwed.
unless you get hit by a bus.
And, irony of ironies, Douglas Adams dropped dead coming out of a gym after his workout. Must of overdone the cardio!
I think he appreciates the irony of that, somewhere.
Wait...does that say "Diplomats"? What does that have to do with what I assume is a clinic and/or HMO?
And does P. A. stand for Per Annum (the money they are raking in), Poor Assessment (the quality of care recieved), Pretty Awful?
not so crazy about the find but the responses are priceless! thanks all!
@ Orinoco -- in a medical context surely P A must stand for Per Anum?
G'night all, and mind how you go when crossing the road.
Oh -- and don't play with toasters in the bathtub.