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July 08, 2008 |
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Damon
FOUND by Blair Schweiger
in on my front door step
I found this note as I was heading to my car. I was glad that my husband is not named Damon and that he had not been forced to wait in the bathroom until someone left.
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Full o'Shit Tubby December 28, 2006 |
Blue Things ... May 02, 2008 |
Hindsight Is 20/20 October 19, 2003 |
The Best Thing Ever June 26, 2005 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
Touching, and personally honest, but not that unusual.
Men need to go into their cave from time to time, and it doesn't have anything to do with how much they care; it's the nature of the beast, understood by anyone who ever read John Gray's stuff.
OTOH I do love how she says "I never wanted to be one of the annoying girls.." and proceeds to be just that.
I agree, it's very honest and well-intentions.
I find it especially interesting that this looks like a draft she wrote to Damon.
Too bad we'll never know what that last sentence was going to be...
Ahem.
Can vou say stalker?
Just the fact that she has to make clear that she's "not one of those annoying girls" means she is in fact one of those annoying girls.
Damon needs to get a restraining order, stat.
Why do you think he locked himself in his own room? To smoke some crack?
No...because this chick is like a fly that you can't swat.
Leave Damon alone, and go back to rock you crawled out from under.
GAWD!
Ashleigh - I think Damon's safe. It was on Blair's doorstep, not Damon's!!
Restraining order won't do it. Damon needs a gun.
This note might as well read:
Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.
My ex wife used to write me notes like this. *Shudders*
whenever people preface a statement with the following phrases, you know that they are what they say they're not. Or doing what they say they're not doing.
I'm not gonna lie
I don't wanna be (fill in the blank)
I don't mean to offend you
I mailed that cheque this morning
I won't.... um.... well you know.. in your mouth
Damon is the name of a goat whom the note writer went to visit before dinner.
Spare the mea culpa-- this is nothing buy a guilt trip! If she was really sorry and got the message, she should just fade back into the proper time and space with a simple "I'm sorry," rather than leaving a drawn-out, heart-broken, and guilt-inducing letter for Damon to find.
what Damon hears:
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Mona, however some people say exactly what they mean. I had a friend from N. Yorkshire who tended to preface her most stinging criticisms with the phrase, "I'm not being funny, but..." and you could be sure that the next thing she said would be definitely most unfunny. Not to say rude, hurtful and unkind!
The writer of this particular note is a master of passive-agression. "I'm sorry for invading your space and time." Translation: Well, pardon me for living on the same planet! "My intentions were not to come here and stress you out or make you feel put out or angry." Translation: My intentions were to come here and have you cover me with attention--and hopefully presents--and make you declare your passionate love for me. "I never wanted to be one of those annoying girls..." Translation: And yet, that's exactly what I am. In spades. As to not getting a clue that my presence is unwanted, why **wouldn't** you want me? After all, I'm a perfect little princess! Daddy tells me so, every. single. day.
Damon, you've got the right idea. Lock yourself in your room and don't come out until you're sure she's gone. Change your cell phone number, and if you can't actually move house, get a restraining order and a Rottweiler.
1. i wonder if there was a conversation that preceded this note.
2. why does blair think damon was in the bathroom?
3. @ mona: your list is so true. and the last line, perfection.
Blair, what if "Damon" is the name your husband gives to the random chicks he meets at the bar? Looks like he accidentally picked up a stage 5 clinger. Good thing the rooms have locks.
Baby basil, your translations are pretty brilliant.
The first line makes me think of Star Trek.
I like the ending. Something was... and then it wasn't.
I picture a mousy girl with glasses who made out with some geek named Damon at ComCon. She got her first taste of some lovin' and now the guy just wants to be left alone in his room with World of Warcraft.
why, bless her heart, she doesn't mean to be one of those girls, but she just can't help it, poor little thing. And Damon? well, not to speak ill of anyone, but a little bird told me that he just strings them along, you know, he doesn't mean to it's just those devlish good looks he got from his daddy. Why, i remember when his daddy used to lock himself in the bathroom whenever Silvy came around, and look where that got him. Blood always tells, doesn't it?
@Farmer- AMEN.
I've had to hide in the bathroom from a visiting admirer before. Its not dignified.
When I first read this, I was surprised to see that it was written by a woman--the handwriting doesn't look "female". And Mona, heehee! Aint it the truth?
last line: "It was nice knowing you, but by the time you read this, I have put my head in the oven, but you don't need to feel guilty over it, though, since I was the one invading your space and time and my pressence was unwanted."
Kind of sick, I know, but I agree with Baby Basil: Queen of Passive-Aggressive behavior.
gag
To lars in all my forms in the nwc?:
I am not sure why I wrote bathroom... but I think I realized it after right after I hit send. My own hit of impending senility maybe?
To Pixi in grad school:
I don't think my husband would choose the name Damon, but that is an interesting thought.
I won't be ignored, Dan.
Actually, I think Damon is the passive aggressive one. Why not just talk to her directly and ask her to leave? That's very odd behavior- locking oneself away while a guest- wanted or not- is at your house. Very odd. Probably b/c he has been taking the snatch and not wanting a relationship. That always brings on the crazies- deception.
Good heavens. I'm SO embarrassed to admit that I *almost* wrote a similar note just yesterday! I haven't heard from someone, even though I left a message and e-mailed (not obsessively! really). I started to write, "You haven't stated clearly that you don't want to hear from me..." but as soon as I wrote that, I thought: Dumbass! YES HE HAS. He might not have said it out loud, but it's crystal clear.
So glad I saw that before I sent a pathetic note.
Hanging out with girls is NEVER a bad thing.
I boiled your bunny.
No big deal.
I can see how people can call the girl's note passive-aggressive, but going into your room and hiding is passive-aggressive. If you don't want somebody around, you should just tell them to leave, you don't treat them badly expecting them to get the "hint" that's totally passive-aggressive and cowardly.
Damon, you can borrow my Rottweiler? her name is Layla...
She's not annoying, neither.
It was never my intention to take that axe and hit the bathroom door over and over again until it broke through the wood and came oh so close to cutting your face,please believe me. I never intended to be one of those kind of girls. You know the kind who are always around and who never get a clue that their presence is sucking all the life out of the party? The sort of dim-bulb who takes all the air out of a room? I'm not that kind of girl and if you would just give me five minutes and talk to me without rolling your eyes and making gagging sounds I know you would fall instantly in love with me. I'm a very lovable person, that's what Daddy always says, especially when we have "special" time together. OH...if you could do to me what my daddy does than you would be mine forever!!!!
But, now I'm being the kind of girl who nobody wants to be around, aren't I? You want me to go away don't you? Should i take my ax and lovely blue eyes and gaga knockers and just go? But I cannnnnnn"t! I just cannnnnnn't I wuv U!!!
No..No don't call the Cops...me sorrwee...
Please, I didn't mean to invade your personal space in the bathroom and when i kissed you all over your luscious body I just couldn't help myself. Haven't you ever lost control over what your body is doing? I'm not really that sort of girl,really ask anyone. You got to believe me.I didn't intend any of this at all I just what to be with you forever and ever and ever....happily, happily, happily.
Please talk to me, please wuv me....
xoxoxoxo,
Layla
smallbear, i love your stories. please tell me another one?
Mona thanks, your's is the maybe sweetest comment I've ever received here.:)
Another story will come. Don't know when, it depends on what is found.
The past few days have been hilarious! I have loved the finds and all the commentary.
Smallbear: You rock!
Mona: HAHAHA! I just came out of a meeting with a passive-aggressive person. OMG! I wanted to run and hide in the bathroom.
I think the last line was supposed to say,"It was great to be with you last night, so why can't we do it again?"
@ SMALLBEAR- I totally get a kick out of your stories, as well. Great story writing and reading!
Sweet usage of my dog's name in that story..HEHE!
i look forward to reading "smallbear's stories for smallchildren" someday.
Matt......................Damon!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Holly Hope your dog is nothing like the Layla who wrote the note. :-]
@Mona If I use "Smallbear's Stories for Small Children" as a title do have to send you a royalty? I just might use it as a real title I like it.
Just a mention on the dedications page, is enough recognition for me. :-)
I miss Night in Gale.
I would guess that Blair typed "bathroom" because "locked yourself in a room" would have suggested that. In our house, the only rooms with a lock are the bathrooms. (if you aren't counting the front and backdoors... but if poor Damon could have locked those, then problem solved with a phone call to 3 little digits....)
So there, Blair. Saved from senility!
Good Find, Blair. I'm glad the note wasn't completed. I hope the writer came to her senses and scrapped the whole thing.
@Cubby: That was terrifyingly well done. I'm not sure small children is your target audience, though. 8-)
@Me in here: Thank you, whomever you are.