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December 15, 2007 |
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Ducks Very Limited
FOUND by Mike Burger
in Ann Arbor, Michigan
While driving in early December, I hit a duck. It was either hit the duck or cause a multiple-car accident. The duck was flying one foot above the ground, looking disoriented. Plus, I think it was selling drugs to kids. But usually when you hit an animal, the animal does not attach itself to the vehicle. So I didn't think anything of it. And when I got back to my car, there was this attached note. But, there was no duck. So, in the course of 3 hours:
-I hit a duck with my car.
-I didn't notice the duck when I left my car.
-Somebody else did notice, tried to claim it for themselves, and when they couldn't, they left a note.
-A third party (human or not) also noticed the duck, and was able to successfully remove it.
Also notice in the upper left hand corner of the note, what looks like 'PL2' I believe is actually 'PLZ'. For a while, I was worried that these two guys carry around a collection of template lunch bags and the one they use for stuck ducks is 'PL2'.
And, before you ask, the duck was not (to the best of my knowledge) selling quack.
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Puffy Jacket March 10, 2006 |
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Ceiling Treasure January 15, 2007 |
So Walk On September 27, 2005 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
there's a duck.. stuck.. on the truck... This is just strange.
It reminds me of this find:
http://foundmagazine.com/find/501
Grilled Turkey!
The Finder's Blurb is hilarious!
how considerate of doug and jeff!
and thanks mike burger for the detailed explanation.
Mike, this is probably one of the best blurbs ever. also a great find!
template lunchbag notes is also a strangly awesome idea...
Your wit reminds me of David Sedaris!
wow, that last quip, amazing. exactly how old are you?
David Sedaris is great! This found event is crazy, man. Go Ducks!
this reminds me of the time when my dad started the engine, and heard this weird grinding sound. and when he raised the hood to see what was wrong, it was our cat, she had crawled up in there.
OMG Jamie, that's so sad!
Ironically I am listening to David Sedaris' "Santaland Diaries" to get me in the mood for holidays right now!Poor duck..poor duck junkies won't be getting their fix today
yeah.. it was.. she didnt die, but she was really hurt..it was flesh and hair everywhere.. ugh.
Dude, I think hitting a disoriented duck with your car was a bad idea. You should check your radiator for feathers before your car overheats. You had a sacred obligation to eat what you killed, and you let that moment slip like into eternity. If I were you, I'd go to a Chinese restaurant and totally atone.
Mike Burger, you're a funny guy! You should try your hand at writing a limerick for your Find. I can think of at least 3 more "uck" words that the good Captain above forgot to mention. 8-)
Desperate Cynic, how about if I hit a moose. I would gladly eat that!
I wonder if stuck duck looks anything like the rabbit we got stuck on our grill. Terrifyingly hilarious is what it is.
Snow Miser: I humbly refer you to "The Original Road Kill Cookbook" by Buck Peterson. As I recall, he recommends heavy, 1970s-vintage, full-size American sedans with powerful engines and enormous trunk space, which he calls "dual-purpose shopping carts," since they can both dispatch dinner and haul it home unseen. Of course, for Alaskan moose, you might need a good used Bradley M2. Then, depending on the length of your commute, I also recommend "Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!" by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller. Why waste all that heat when you could be poaching a nicely marbled moose fillet on your way to the office? I hope this helps.
Maybe it's the copious amount of snot in my head but this is just about the funniest find I can remember. From the fact that this note is DATED and the date is UNDERLINED TWICE to the "PLZ NOTE" to the fact that Doug and Jeff actually tried to pry the thing out and then when they could not they took the time to write a note and leave it! There is water coming from my eyes and I don't know if it's becuase I'm so sick or because I'm laughing so hard. And your blurb is killing me here. Must take a pill and go back to bed.
Cats often crawl into engine compartments in cars, particularly when said engine is still warm and it's cold outside. One cat of our acquaintance rode all around the city in a friend's engine. When he got home he popped the hood to check something, and there she was. He adopted her and she now rules him with an iron paw!
What is a "template lunch bag"? When I was growing up all we had was plain ol paper bags, that either did or did not contain one's lunch. I know things have moved on but "template" to me means a pattern to cut something out from....hmmm.
Bad Cold, hope you feel better. Drink plenty of fluids and get some rest.
Mike Burger had terrible luck,
In Michigan he hit a low-flying duck,
Doug and Jeff (on quack),
Vowed to take it back,
But decided they didn't give a...
I love how "Doug & Jeff" left their names on the note, as if you know them or will see them on the street later and say, "Oh, hi Doug, hi Jeff, sorry about that duck thing. Thanks for trying to pull it out. Let me buy you both a soda."
I was a low-flying duck once, and you can believe me: it's no picnic. I can't describe the feeling that comes over you as that chromium bumber and plastic radiator grill are coming at you at high speed. Ick.
I came out of the grocery store one day and noticed there was a baby barred owl stuck in my grill. I don't remember hitting it. However, I do remember the one I hit that rode on my hood for about 1/2 a mile before flying off.
Lame duck.
Glad you all enjoyed, although I will admit the 'quack' line was given to me by somebody else. Plus there is the irrelevant detail that this happened on my birthday. And to John in Brighton. Soda? C'mon, you live in Michigan. It's pop. Don't let them win!
Am I the only one that thinks the duck might have survived? Why would Jeff and Doug try to remove a dead duck? And if someone else succeeded where they failed, why not take the note as well, or at least leave an update. I've hit plenty of would-be road kill (deer, badger, chipmunk) that ALL got up, shook it off, and kept going.
Maybe Doug and Jeff wanted the duck because they're quack-heads.
I hit a turkey once. It was the turkey or a ditch. Turkeys don't fly well.
I also hit a raccoon. It was the raccoon or an oncoming car. That raccoon managed to drain all the oil from my vehicle. The mechanic discovered a hole in the oil filter. Thankfully all it cost me was an oil change.
What are we going to do about these dang animals hanging out all over our roads? Don't they have someplace to go?
There is nothing worse than a DDD (Drug Dealing Duck).
Well, there's always MADDDDD (Mothers against Drunk Drug-Dealing Disoriented Ducks).
I would hate to remove a duck or any other kind of animal from my own car, so I don't know what would possess anyone to do it to a strangers car!!
It's alive - you are brilliant! I never thought of that. So maybe they tried to rescue it and failed, but they loosened it up enough for it to escape later. I name it Ducksputin.
(Bad cold - it's not just you, It is really f%$in funny.)
I found a dead bat in the grill of my 1976 Chevy Nova one day, no idea how it got there
wow. i've hit a skunk, a crow, a rabbit, and a raccoon. somehow a hitting a duck that's flying in front of you seems much more scary. not to mention knowing that you are about to hit and without a choice! eeek...
Well, sam moffitt, don't ya think you probably hit it?
Also, my mom also started up the car once and after a terrible grinding noise, discovered the cat in the motor. The cat lived a long, healthy life... with half a tail. And it never went near the car again.
Roe!
A real Limerick from (nearly) Limerick!
Brilliant.
heh heh.
hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaah! quack~
This dragged up an old memory. I was once a girl scout (before I got more sense and quit those cookie-pushing dames) and we often went on camping trips. On one such trip, we were driving down a highway and made a turn off into a large intersection. There in the middle of the street was a turtle just trundling along. Being the wonderful little girls that we were we told our scout leader to stop the car, and with no regard for our safety, ran out into the road to rescue that poor defenseless suicidal creature. Miraculously, no other cars were in the intersection and we gingerly dragged the turtle to safety. But knowing the turtle, he probably turn right around and placed himself firmly in the way of an oncoming semi.
I have friend who was travelling down one of those big interstates in FL (75?) When a wild turkey flew into her windshield during a clumsy attempt at take off. After pulling over to check the damage, a Chiquita banana truck had strayed out of it's lane and hit her car (which then hit her, but she's ok), and lost control spilling bananas all over the highway. Can't make that sh*t up, man!!!
Good find, but one of the best blubs EVER - totally quacked me up! Anyone remember this one:
M R ducks
MR not
M R 2!
C D E D B D beek?
C D E D B D feet?
L I B!
M R ducks
This really quacked me up!
This reminds me of a Red Green Christmas special, where Red cooks a turkey dinner while driving (to save time), and puts the turkey on the engine, the potatoes in the hubcaps, the vegetables on the radiator ect.
For all of you non-Canadians, Red Green is a comedy show about a backwater Canadian guy in a lumberjack shirt who fixes everything with duct tape (handyman's secret weapon)
Mike! Thank you!!! It SO is pop indeed. I'm always scouring the streets of Rochester looking for a good find relating to pop or white hots. (You guys have white hots too?) Three cheers and a bottle of Fizz for Great Lakes holdouts that will never die...Hey, maybe the duck called it soda and someone clocked him for it right before you drove by!
I wonder why they couldn't remove the duck - was he biting them, flapping his wings violently? If the duck was already dead would they have cared enough to try to remove it ?
I think Jeff was kind of grumpy/testy after they tried to rescue the duck, maybe because he got bitten, maybe because he felt like a failure for not being able to help the duck, or maybe because the rescue attempt made them late for an appointment. Jeff wrote the note, then Doug proofread it and decided to soften the tone by adding please (PLZ) and the date, and then Doug signed "Doug &" in front of Jeff's crabby signature.
back in the day ducks in the front bumper were a constant problem. There use to be guys who drove around all day doing nothing but removing the wayward fowls from the front ends of old Hudsons and Studebakers and Internation Harvesters. I remember one guy in particular became famous for his expertise in the field.
His name was Huck.
Awesome tale...you should be a writer... very fun and interesting to read...one of the best I've seen...Thanks
Doug and Jeff were mere opportunists. On what other occasion would one have a chance to write something like this. I can't think of any.
why was the duck flying so low? is that common duck practice, even for the non-drug-dealing kinds? what's the human equivalent of flying about a foot off the ground in traffic? wading in a lake, forlornly looking for the perfect skipping rock that suddenly and surprisingly sunk?
(and i loooove that doug and jeff tryied to remove it. how kind)
Pop vs. Soda
You're right, Mike - it is pop here in Michigan! Always will be. That's what I initially wrote, then I actually thought, "will anyone know what I'm talking about?"
I'm from Cali, and I know what pop is. Is there really anybody that wouldn't know what you meant? Maybe you're a sell out to your kind. I say coke.
ok ~ story time. one early march night it was raining and we were traveling along a high way. an 18 wheeler goes to pass us and is kind of hovering in the passing lane. suddenly there is a deer carcass on the road in front of us - it had been hit by a semi not long before. we couldn't avoid it. not just a "bump-bump" but a "gu-dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk-a" as we travelled the length of its body.
i cried.
fast forward 10 days and my wife (yes, i'm a lesbian) says she has some potentially bad news, and then maybe good news ~ very cryptic...she says she has to ask me a question first though. i'm al ittel concerned....and she says "did you feel like you were dragging a stick or something from your car?"
"why, now that you mention it kind wife, I did drop a stick in the driveway this morning."
she says "do you want the good news or the bad news first?" "how about the good...?"
"we weren't the victim of a hate crime. the bad news is you've been carrying the head of that deer in your undercarriage for well over a week now..."
True story. It had cooked to the tailpipe. it was still winterish so it didn't rot and stink...but i had noticed a sweet smell when i drove. ithought maybe i had left a sandwich or soemthing in there? and it certainly did explain why the dogs were so insistent that they wanted to get to my car in the driveway (just beyond their ties allowed.)
i peed myself thinking of allt he places i COULD have dropped it instead of my driveway. my church? my place of employment? my gym's parking lot? etc. etc.
I don't know what's funnier... The find or these comments. You guys crack me up.
Watching it snow: love the sarcasm in the last lines. Also must say that I am incredibly jealous. I live about thirty minutes north of LA and the only time it snowed here in my lifetime was for a single minute last year. It got our hopes up something fierce. :)
Mike Burger, you're my hero.
"Soda? C'mon, you live in Michigan. It's pop. Don't let them win!"
I completely agree.
I moved from Ohio to Pennsylvania 4 months ago, and every time I say pop, everyone is either confused or pokes fun. :[
Roe in Galway, <applause> Good job! Thanks for taking the bait.
Mike Burger, do you know Davy Rothbart personally? Happy belated birthday!
I can't believe I'm the only one feeling sorry for all those unforunate creatures! :(
I can't believe I'm the only one feeling sorry for all those unfortunate creatures! :(
Night: Sorry, I do not know Davy Rothbart personally.
Michelle: I do have some other writing. It's not as good as this though. www.mikeburger.com/blog (the blog), www.usgameshows.net (excruciating reviews of game shows that you will never see).
That has got to be the best find ever. Not because of the find itself, but because of the commentary that went with it.
I hit a pigeon once on the freeway, or at least I think I did.. there was some kind of thump and a feather EXPLOSION...
doug and jeff are probably two older gentlemen going for their usual walk around the neighborhood with their overweight dogs (hence why they have the bag) and complaining about how the world has changed and people just aren't as nice as they were when they grew up. then they walk past mike's car and spot the duck in his bumper. they converse for awhile about things that they hit with their cars and how that duck will start to smell after awhile, so in order to prove a point and try to do a random act of kindness they try to remove the duck. its stuck in there good though and they have to get home to the wives for dinner so they leave a note letting mike know that people still care enough to try to help each other.
the end.
p.s. it's called "pop" in kansas too
Last year I hit a low-flying small bird with my car and it got wedged in the front bumper--I didn't notice it until I was visiting my parents a few days later and their cat dislodged it. It was absolutely gross by then; I wish The Doug and Jeff Roadkill Patrol had alerted me so promptly.
AFLACK!
I peed!!
I pooped!!
Hey! You live like an hour away from me.. haha.
Anyway, that's funny! I've never hit a duck before though... thank god!
When I was just learning to drive, I hit a falcon. It was flying very low and it lodged itself into my headlight. It didn't even cross my mind to try to avoid it. I always figured the birds could handle their own. I went through the drive-through on my way home and the girl asked if it was a decal.
Hey, BETH IN CANADA -- Red Green has been a long-time favorite south of the border as well. Steve Smith would visit PBS stations during Pledge drives and phones would ring off the hook. I'm in Milwaukee, and I proudly display my Red Green autograph on -- what else? -- a roll of red duct tape.
We love Red Green in Texas, too. Keep your stick on the ice!
"spy", believe me, you're not the only one who feels bad. I swerve for worms, and any wild creature that roams into my house is humanely captured and released to the back yard, whether it wants to be or not. That includes ants and spiders, but alas, EXcludes mosquitoes and earwigs.
As for pop vs soda, here in Wisconsin our grandparents USED to call soda "soda water". Wow, we've come a long way. At least we don't call every soft drink "Coke".
Listening to Whad'Ya Know this morning, Amy Sideris was a guest. For my money, she is every bit as funny as her brother, if not more. I love her by-play with Dave every time she's on Letterman.
I'm outta here -- gotta find my suspenders and do some snow-shovelin'!
Poor critters! A guy on his bike rode into the side of my car one time. Fast.
ONE LAST NOTE FROM ME: Many apologies to AMY SEDARIS for misspelling her name. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
I was driving my 1996 Chevy Lumina minivan on a country road when I spotted a seagull in the middle of my lane. I expected it to fly off to the side but instead it came straight toward me, about a foot off the ground. As I passed over it, I looked in the rear-view, expecting to see a shower of feathers, but seeing none, assumed that the gull had somehow escaped being killed. Didn't think about it again until the next day when I noticed a white wing-tip hanging down from inside the bumper. (The Lumina has a plastic bumper with oval vents on either side of the center.) The gull was inside the bumper, alive and looking pretty well. After removing the bumper and getting the bird out, I realized that one wing, the drooping one, was hurt, possibly broken, but otherwise the bird seemed fine. I called several wildlife rehabilitators, but even they, it seems, are predjudiced against gulls. So I gave it to my brother who offered to care for it. Being that we have seen gulls floating on the lake, he put the bird into a bathtub with a couple of inches of water. When no one was looking, the bird died. I think it drowned. Sad that it survived being hit by a minivan, driven around for twelve hours, and then dying of an unrelated cause. Anyhow, I wrote because I never dreamed I would hear another story of a bird who ended up inside a bumper like this.
You're a good man, Larry. May the bird's connection with you help it to have a favorable rebirth.
Best find ever. Mike,you are hilarious.
Hahahahahaha
My mom hit a bird forever and a day ago, and it's still there
It's too soft to pull out
Yuckkk
My mom once hit a cow with an Astrovan. Unparalleled in the "I once hit a ..." department. In her defense, it was a black cow and she was driving down an unfamiliar country road at night. Unfortunately, said cow also belonged to the sheriff of this backwoods town, which spelled serious trouble for mommy dear. To all you animal lovers out there, the cow was fine. To all you Chevy lovers out there, the van was not.
This is an AWESOME find!! One of the best ever for all the reasons already mentioned!
Good times.
As for stories of hitting animals with cars, when I was little my brother played football, and we were coming home from an out of town game when we hit a deer. Apparently, we killed it on impact (as well as the front bumper and left fender). Not wanting to let it go to waste my Dad who is an avid outdoorsman strapped it onto the hood of the car and cleaned it up when we got home. Yeah.
Oh yeah, and I am the oddman out when it comes to carbonated beverages. I call them by their actual names. So, if I'm offering a Sprite, I say "Do you want a Sprite?" etc.
It is indeed "pop" in West-by-God-Virginia as well, FYI.
Also, Mike Burger, you are a humorous man. Thanks for the morning laugh.
By the way, my friend once hit a turkey with his jeep and he was driving 55 mph... the creature seriously exploded all over the windshield. It was utterly disgusting... to say the least. Yuck...
...knows what pop is too.
oh man, mr. burger. i hit a duck my senior year of high school and that was the exact same excuse i had for it. the whole "selling drugs to kids" story.
we should become friends.
i bounced a deer off the hood of my car while delivering pizza one night after a snow storm when i was in college. it was a residential area so i pulled over to see how bad i hit it. i swear i was going the speed limit but i must have bounced it up to heaven because, other than the dent on my hood, there were no tracks nor blood. must have been blitzen out on the town before his seasonal gig. i can't remember what i got for christmas that year...
CaptainZero - How is living in Elizabeth City? I'm thinking of moving to that area.
I also loved that they signed their names - that they BOTH signed their names. Funny stuff.
Jamie's comment about her cat getting stuck in the engine reminded me of this...
I am a 6th grade teacher, and one day of of my students said, "My cat rode on the bottom of our van on the way to Tennessee until it fell off and died." Sad story, yes, but the delivery (of which the tone is lost in Times New Roman) was that of pure hilarity. She more or less shouted it out to the whole class very excitedly, and to this day gets on me about laughing that her cat died.
In MN, it's "pop", too.
In high school, I drove through 25 miles of ruralness, one-way, to get to school.
I hit several animals.
I missed many more.
I have good stories, but probably none of them as good as Mikes.
I hope they didn't chuck the duck.
___
Spam question: Spell the word dog backwards.
it's against my religious beliefs.
So, I guess aflac is out of business.
I think I saw you driving with a duck on your bumper...
I do believe that the blurb is funnier than the found. Amazing.
There's a clown that sells drugs to kids where I live. His name is Ronald Mc..something.
This is the best find ever! I laughed so hard... It's funny that some random passersby tried to extricate the duck, failed, wrote a note on a lunch bag, and then the duck mysteriously disappeared. The best part is the polite beginning of "plz note" and that the paper lunch bag is dated.
My husband once hit two pigeons that were standing in the fast lane of a 4 lane freeway. As he came around the bend in the road, they flew up together, but not far enough. BOOM. We just figured it was a suicide pact.
One Stuck Duck
Help! Help! Who can help?
"We can, we can", say Doug & Jeff.
No luck, the duck stays stuck.
First let me say, at least you didn't have to land in the Hudson River!
A friend of mine was once rolling to a stop on a rural road when, out of nowhere, he was hit by a horse. The horse ran headlong into the right front quarter panel of his mini truck. It apparently hit at just the right height to knock the horse's legs right out from under him, so he flipped quite neatly over the hood of the truck. He rolled back onto his feet on the other side of the vehicle and immediately continued on his mad dash. My friend simply sat gaping in shock for quite some time, wondering if he was hallucinating. He was finally convinced it really happened when he realized that the windshield and front end of the truck were quite crushed. The worst damage was caused by the horn of the riderless steed's western style saddle!
Road kill = good eating.
When I was a kid we lived in Wyoming for a while.
My stepdad worked for his brother (who was a @@$#$) and did not pay him very well so we could not afford much meat.
Our only car was a 76 Cadillac Coupe Deville, we had to drive 60 miles to the grocery store, it was dark on the long trip home and a dear stepped in front of us, the old Cadillac broke its neck clean and didn't run over it, he got out and gutted it and threw it in the trunk, it was a nice tasting white-tail that was not in season at the time.
That "PL2" is actually "PLZ" as in, "please note"...
Wow. hahaha mike you make me laugh. That was a great story :D
While living in Chicago several years ago this exact same thing happened to me! I did however realize that the duck was stuck in the grill of my car and there's nothing like walking into your office asking for help because "there is a duck stuck in the grill of my car!!" The looks on my co-workers faces were priceless!