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July 21, 2009 |
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Your Being So Crabby
FOUND by Joel
in Woodhaven, MI
Found folded on the table in the employee break room at Meijer.
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Fo Shizzle ... July 15, 2008 |
Someone Who Hates... August 11, 2005 |
Wonderful Bagels August 01, 2008 |
Note to Self November 28, 2004 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
Well, someone clicked "ignore all" on Microsoft Word's spelling and grammar suggestions.
Jesus, I was begging for someone to take my life before I got to the end of that. And to think he's spent "9 months almost 10 months" with her already. *shivers*
wow who knew half a dozen sentences could be so cryptic it's like a puzzle so don't be upset if you don't understand it I don't either and I gave up after about the 4th line or so ok so don't worry about it you're not the only one who doesn't get it ok please don't be crabby it's not my fault or your fault either it's the stupid writer's fault.
Woman, please take a breath. (in, out)
Why do I read this in a Jersey accent?
Geeeeez. Needy, much? I bet the "work" refers to this middleschooler's first job at a supermarket/McDonald's or similar. She "has" to get him a present, there's nothing in it, don't worry...but she's actually doing it because she luuuuuvs him, neeeeeds him, waaaaants him. Yergh! Clingy, needy, whiney. And she can't understand that every word of this note pushes him farther away.
I bet I know what she's getting for Christmas, a broken heart from Tony, whose tail she won't be able to see for dust.
At least she didn't write it by hand on shadow-printed notepaper with a nature motif.
Tony's crabby because of last night's "just lie here and keep me safe" session. The likelihood of that going any further is the same as your getting a Christmas present, Tony : nil. She's already done her shopping when she hsd to get that one present for work and she didn't get you anything then; and she's not buying for her family so she won't be hitting the shops again, even if you sent your mother to take her there!
Good Lord! This makes my head hurt. I can't imagine what it's like in person.
o punctuation at all. Tony, on the other hand, concluded each sentence with no less that three exclama
This note reads like badly translated foreign cartoons sound when dubbed in English.
"Oh Speed Racer I will win the race and then you will see that you are not the best because I am the best and I will win aaaaaah!"
Jesus. Reading between the lines maybe the other person is a jerk, but this person is no prize. This just further cements my resolve to get a clean STD panel AND a writing sample before having sex with someone.
This makes me wonder... Which is "worse", too "much" puncuation!?! or no puncuation what so ever
Oh, wow. I have no idea how she intended this note, but my crazy-dar is going off.
And all because he forgot to pick up the good gum on the way home.
I don't think a middleschooler wrote this. Middleschoolers don't talk about "all the support" they've been given, or not being able to lay alone anymore, or the passive aggressive "no one will love you or care about you like I have...". She coincidentally pulled his name in the company Christmas gift exchange, and he doesn't want a gift from her because he is about to do the holiday dump.
If I had the choice of having this woman in my life or a pencil jabbed in my eye, I would take the pencil. The pain would not last for nine, almost ten months. I hope his gift for this fritcake was a fruitcake. My head hurts now too.
RUN Tony, RUN! And change your phone number.
Uh, I like the italic type face? (trying hard here to 'look on the bright side')
The really, really frightening part about this note? Not the grammar gaffes. Not the lack of punctuation. Not the spelling. Not even the simple outrush of emotion.
The really frightening thing about this note is that "Tony" is short for "Antonietta" and the guy who wrote this note is named Mark. And he's the governor of one of the southern states here in the US of A.
Watch the evening news for details. That's where you'll hear that he thinks they're soul-mates.
I used to weep for the future. Today, I weep for the present.
i think she's pregnant...
she's missed a few periods...
oh, i kill me.
I know someone like this, who just got married to a Tony.
Even scarier - I've had a couple talks with the boyfriend about "keeping me safe," but I am pretty sure I used sentences complete with punctuation, correct spelling and decent grammar.
This makes me think of that character who babbles her stream of consciousness. I think it was someone in Nicolas Nickelby..
Holy cow. Nuttier than a cake that's made entirely of nuts. I hope for Tony's sake that the letter's abrupt ending was due NOT to the existence of a SECOND page of obsession-drool, but to the letter writer having been dragged off to some kind of 'rest' facility...
what was the finder doing in the break room at meijer?
this is the world's longest run on sentence
Um......redundant redundant. With a dash of desperation.
@ barefoot: Thanks. Reading it with a Jersey accent made it a lot funnier :)
@ mona lisa: You've made my day! =D
Dog breath, I was thinking the same. Exactly.
Mona Lisa made me laugh out loud.
Jeez. If she was worried Tony was going to dump her after last night's "I just want to cuddle" session, this note sealed that deal for sure. Have fun spending Christmas alone, you needy twit!
Tanya and Tony had been together for nine and a half months. Tanya really wanted to get married, but Tony had just been in it for the sex at first. But now he couldn't get away because she was always talking about their matching names and what they would name their children. At Christmas, she put all their acquaintances' names in a hat and had them each draw half. Now he was stuck buying presents for all her friends he didn't even know. Plus, his own name hadn't been in the hat, and he wanted a present. He arranged for her to go shopping with his mom, but he had work. Then one night she showed up at his apartment, telling him she was afraid to sleep alone. He got very crabby after that.
I think if this were handwritten it would be better. Some how it seems so sterile since it was typed.
@Mona Lisa hilar!
Oh my god, Tony. You're Spike and she's Chester. Smack the shit out of her and tell her shaddap already.
When I finally found a period, oh I don't know, about half way down the first page, I felt like celebrating.
@Mona Lisa - Hilarious!
Is punctuation like vowels on wheel of fortune, do you have to pay for each one?
"I can't lay by myself no more"????!!!I don't know about everyone else but this one sentence is like nails on a chalkboard...here's my Mommie Dearest moment...NO MORE DOUBLE NEGATIVES EVVVVEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Too much. I can't take it. Tony slit his wrist after reading this. I almost did.
(by the way, comments today are the BEST).
Well, I guess WE all have a clue why Tony's so crabby....
@barefoot contessa, my thoughts exactly.
@mona lisa, great humor.
@Youwontbeabletochangeit, there actually is a second, albeit shorter, page. Click on "magnify".
Tony's (hopefully soon to be ex) needs to switch to decaf or something. If SAD makes you depressed during the winter months, what makes you manic? The writer's got a big, honkin' case of whatever that is.
What I love most about Crazy-McCrazy is how she is completely clueless. I mean, "I have no idea why your <you're> being so crabby" ... Really? I mean... really?? Um, my first guess would be your incessant whining on and on about nothing. So what you drew Tony's name- that should make it all the more easy/fun! You HAVE been dating <read- stalking> Tony for 9, almost 10 months now.. you should know what he wants. And I don't think you standing under his window at night while he sleeps really qualifies are snuggling. Why don't you start taking your Schizophrenia meds again and let everyone enjoy their Christmas. Geez.
This many missed periods signifies menopause, I believe. And something tells me Tony lost the heart to argue with her a long time ago.
holy run-on sentence, batman!
OK, no one has said it yet, so I will.
"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me some tears
I'll give it to somebody special."
Oh, she's "special" alright.
LOL, Beeswax! Nice to see you back.
(that would be the Xmas present for which you weep, right?)
Thanks original thought...you're funny. I read every day, but don't always have time to comment (or anything witty to add).
I suspect that Joel, our intrepid finder, works at this Meijer store. If so, then he knows the back story here. Obviously, the writer of this note is either an uneducated, bratty female or a very clever male with a taste for satire. I wish he'd elaborate for us.
I'd like to express my sympathies for Tony, who being an employee at Meijer, has to work ungodly shifts that cover all 24 hours for 364 days of the year, and when he gets to go home, after waiting for his mom, for at least 35 minutes, in knee-deep snow, has this crazy clingy mess taking up half his bed. [I'm fairly certain that I did a decent job of punctuation on my run-on. Add my apologies to the readers, if I failed.]
So Tony & the Crazy bitch work together. They had been sleeping together for some time now, but due to her craziness, he never let on to anyone that they were an item. He'd be too embarassed. Nut-case Sally didn't draw his name in the hat drawing, but exchanged names w/ 7 different people until she found Tony's name. He was so worried that she'd write something on the 'from' card that shows they had been together that he's been blowing her off for sometime now. She wrote him this note, showing him her disappointment and left it in the breakroom so everyone would see that they had been Together. That day Nut-case Sally was escorted out by security after she razored and inked the words "Tony 4-eva" on her chest in said breakroom ala the Movie Fear w/ Mark Whalberg. He still didn't have the heart to acknowledge that crazy bitch, but he was happy he'd be getting a present atleast this year.
Also.. To tell someone that no one else will ever love you like I do/will.. Just makes that person want to prove that "oh I can get some love elsewhere, psycho!" I totally would.
I can't lay with you? What is this out of the old testament?
...and the Tony shall lay with the dysfunctional twit, and the twit shall lay with Tony, but only for the night, and she shall bare him gifts, and yea expect no gifts on the morning of our saviors birth in return, and she will only lay with him and not provide services of her hand, nor her mouth, and Tony shall become blue in the loins and proceed to try and offload the wayward twit...but only after 7:30 on the night prior to our savior's birth...
The awkward and yet weirdly inspiring note that made Jack Kerouac hit the road.
i would be crabby too if my gf wrote like this and sounded like she writes. ugh.